Few aspects of parenting unite the masses like bedtime.
Sure, there are some superhuman parents who manage to wrangle their offspring into bed with a minimal amount of effort and agony. But then there are the rest of us.
It’s all about routine, right? That’s what the experts say. This color-coded diagram of a typical bedtime routine seems accurate:
It’s a good idea to start the routine with a story, which can be a super sweet bonding time, and also feel like it takes a million bajillion years.
I’m the Michael Jordan of skipping parts of a kid’s bedtime book.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 3, 2018
You think you’re done. But then comes the philosophy portion of the evening, where your kid who couldn’t tell you a single thing they learned in school that day suddenly becomes super deep and inquisitive.
Now you find yourself torn between encouraging their curiOSity and wanting to leave the damn room.
My kid will not go to bed until she has a chance to ask me about every single thing that has ever happened since the beginning of time. Omg 👏make 👏it 👏stop!
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 8, 2018
Finally, there’s the dehydration phase of the night. You: “Goodnight!” Them: “Must . . . have . . . water . . .”
Why is it that during the day the children complain that they are tired but when it’s bedtime they are wide awake and all of a sudden need to drink a gallon and go to the bathroom?#momlife #parenting #BedSheets #BedtimeStory #Bedtime pic.twitter.com/QPvYTkmZmD
Seriously. YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH WATER.
Unless you’ve screamed “YOU’VE HAD ENOUGH WATER!” at midnight don’t talk to me about how tired you are.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) August 24, 2018
That seems like it should be it right? Routine done, kid falls asleep?
But oh no. Kids like to get creative.
What the heck are you doing in your bed, kid?
And check this out. You know how sometimes you could swear your kids are doing all of this on purpose?
Well, apparently sometimes they are.
i’m putting the kids i babysit to bed and one of them looks at me and goes “tonight is the night” and i’m like ??? and he goes “i told alexa to set an alarm and play kidz bop at 2 am in my parents room”
— jamie 🌙 (@jamisonnicole97) September 8, 2018
Sometimes the funniest things aren’t even trying to be funny. May I present the most obvious study result in the history of study results?
Okay, Sherlock. If it were only that simple. Case in point:
All is not lost, however. This mom figured out a genius parenting hack to get kids to bed lickety-split:
Now let’s say you do finally get them to sleep (probably by lying in bed with them because who are we kidding). That’s when your own body inevitably betrays you as you attempt to leave without waking them.
Based on what it sounds like when I try to leave my child’s room after I get them to sleep, my knees are filled with Rice Krispie treats and Pop-Its.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) September 12, 2018
Ah, bedtime. After three kids, I think I’ve figured out why it’s such a chaotic mess. Kids simply operate on a completely dIfferent set of definitions than we do. It’s the only explanation.
It’s a good thing those little buggers are so darned cute. (Especially when they’re asleep.)