President Obama Signs Final Executive Orders for Black America – R. Eric Thomas

Last month I did a guest editorial spot during the run of 1812 Productions‘ political show, This Is The Week That Is. I was very excited to break about ’s final . And I’m equally as delighted to them with today!

In case you don’t know, I’m the local chapter president of National of . We are the organization that represents your friend.

And maybe you have more than one—that’s ; we overachievers—but statistically…

One of our most services is our hotline. You can call any day or night for references. So, if someone accuses you of being a , just give a call and we can get on the line and say “No. He has a black friend.” That usually settles it.

But I’m not to talk about us; I’m to talk about America’s black friend—President .

As you’re aware, America’s black friend is leaving his job in one month. We’re very about that. And I think we know that even though President Obama is great and we love being around him, America’s main interaction with him has been through . And that he’s leaving the , it’s going to be harder to hang out. We want to make plans and we’ll probably a at Applebee’s once or twice, but you know, everyone is so busy these days.

Anyway, before he leaves, President Obama has been making tons of last-minute pardons, endorsements and executive orders. Just yesterday he pardoned more in a single day than any president ever.

But it’s his executive orders that are of particular interest to us, the National Black Friends of America. The president, as a parting gift to post-racial America, has made a of decrees for that Black people can now do (or now no longer have to do). Here are our ten favorites:

1. If you’re black, you don’t have to wait in line at the deli anymore. Just walk right up to the front. You can take a number if you want to but then just crumple it up and throw it on the floor.

2.The president is really concerned about all this  . The DNC can’t order from without it getting leaked. To prevent any further impropriety, all American correspondence now have to over the only server we trust–the one from the site BlackPlanet. If you’re trying to reach me, you can e-mail

3. Speaking of , after these executive orders, Black is now the only . Now you say to yourself “Isn’t Black Twitter a part of Twitter? Is it a separate entity now? How do I find Black Twitter?” I’m not going to tell you.

4. Free hoagies at Jimmy John’s on Wednesdays! Very exciting.

5. Obama also made some changes to the system. For instance, all trials will now exclusively have all-black juries. We’re just going to see how it goes. Don’t be nervous.

6. It’s also illegal, now, to perform routine traffic stops on black people. You can’t stop us anymore. It’s going to be like out . Don’t worry; we’re very good . It’s fine. The historically black ’s ed are some of the best in the country. But, yeah, you can’t stop a black person in a . We know our taillight is out. We know.

7. Obama is going on Mount Rushmore. But we’re Mount Rushmore to because it’s just easier to get to.

8. Everything is church now. Tambourines. Ushers in orthopedic . People doing cartwheels of praise down the aisle. Offering baskets. Everything. Church can happen anywhere at any time. Church is about to happen here. me your offering please. Hallelujah.

9. Oh! This is a new order that just went into effect last month at the Country . Starting now, can perform any kind of music she wants, at any time, anywhere. Coming in 2017: does Klezmer. You’ll love it!

And lastly:

10. Beginning year, we can’t use the n-word anymore either.

We’re very excited to be living in these post-post-racial times. Until then, as we now say in America, as allah malakim. And may Black bless us all!

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